jasonbstanding.com

The most realistic story ever told. Probably.

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The future is orange. You’d think it would be blueshifting, really.

August 6th, 2008 by jasonbstanding
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OK so I just got a text from my mobile network (name removed in case anyone takes umbrage):

Hello from XXXXXX. Just to let you know we have made some improvements to our network in your area.  So, you should now get even better coverage from XXXXXX.

What interests me is the phrase “in your area”.  It’s a mobile phone, right?  Do they mean in the area surrounding my billing address, or are they basing it on the network cell that my phone is currently in?  In which case, how do they know that I’m going to be there for long enough to give a shit about what the network improvement is like?  OR maybe they’ve been monitoring which cells my phone registers itself in over the course of the past week, and they’ve concluded that the one covering my office is my predominant location…  OH MY GOD, THEY’RE WATCHING ME!

Maybe mum’s theory about increasing the line rental cost of home phones to the point where everybody switched to mobiles in order that The Government can track your whereabouts all the time was right?!

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Est le discours du chauffeur de taxi composé de merde?

August 4th, 2008 by jasonbstanding
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This evening I had my usual free-ranging type of conversation with a cab driver whose cab I happened to be in the back of, and he mentioned his surprise that more people in London don’t just start talking to each other if there’s nothing better to do. This struck me as odd, and I pressed him for that most meaningful of analytical metrics - anecdotal statistics. He was of the firm belief that in the 10 years he’d been driving a taxi, about 10% of the punters chat with him, and the rest sit there silently and merely wait for him to take them where they’re going.

This seems unusual, as prior discussions I’ve had with cab drivers included finding out about The Knowledge, how much the driver would like to move to Australia, what’s happening that evening that’s interesting, and what the driver’s most frequently asked and least favourite bits of smalltalk were - unsurprisingly, The Knowledge, life in London, and what’s going on that evening that’s interesting. At the risk of boring them, I’d sooner discuss those things than sport, religion or politics with someone who spends all day in London traffic confined to a small perspex box.

So I guess what I’m wondering - given that 90% of the time I’ll find myself chatting with the cabbie - is would the 90%-of-punters-don’t-chat rule be accurate, or could it just be that the guy who made that claim isn’t much good at random light banter?

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Whoops, spoke too soon

August 1st, 2008 by jasonbstanding
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Seems I misunderestimated the massive and wideranging talents of the Royal Mail.

Got a card through the door to say “we tried to deliver a parcel but it wouldn’t fit through your letter box - come & get it!”, so I did.  Well, I nearly did.  I went to the postal depot and handed over the red card.  The bloke went around behind into the parcel section and rummaged for a good 20 mins, then came back empty handed.  Even the little gnomes at Argos have better performance statistics than that!

The guy said “I dunno man.  It’s not back there.  Give us your phone number and we’ll call you if it turns up”.

The other joyful part of the expedition was that I got the bus to the postal depot, but the bus was diverted because of roadworks, and at the point where I was able to get off the bus I was about equidistant to the post office as I’d have been if I’d just walked there from home.  So I wasted another 20 mins, and a quid.  But I guess I can’t blame the Royal Mail for that.

Mmmm…  postal conundrums and public transport - I don’t ever want to hear another claim that you people are living vicariously through my blog.

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Yaddle-deedle-deedle-dee-dee-dee-dee-diddy-diddy-dum

July 30th, 2008 by jasonbstanding
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I know that sitting around wishing for vast amounts of cash to appear in one’s bank account is a fairly silly thing to be doing, however wouldn’t it be nice to be able to convince once of these guys to hand over 0.1% of their take-home pay?

The chief prompter of this vein of thought is, regrettably, that I recently read about a Hollywood prop auction that’s going on at the minute.  Now, there’s not much that could be any more frivilous than buying props from films - they’re not even real things!  They’re mostly mockups designed to look like things, which are replaced with ACTUAL things at appropriate points in filming, or post-edited with effects to make the pretend things look like they’re functioning like real things.

Additionally, most people would have learned from past experience - I sort of kind of maybe accidentally put a little bit of a bid in on a hollywood auction once before…  Well you know how it is - you go out for a couple of orange sherberts with the lads, then come home & decide that your life won’t be complete until you own the golf club from Dogma as used by Cardinal Glick (George Carlin) - lot 1053.  Luckily someone wanted it more than USD$400 bad.  You’d have think I’d have learned from the Duck Call Incident.

The difference here though is that for a mere USD$25,000 you could own The Holy Grail.  Naturally, not the authentic grail as used in the Bible and quested after by King Arthur et al, but “real” in the sense as it’s the actual one used in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

This, above all, is probably the reason why it’s a good idea that I don’t have the kind of cash alluded to in the first paragraph.  Were I to be free of such financial constraints then I’d also have to find places to keep The Ten Commandments (although maybe it’d be fun to stick them in a replica Ark of the Covenant ?), an Adam West-ian Bat Radio, a spear from The Wizard of Oz, a pair of C3PO feet, the “Here’s Johnny” axe from The Shining, the priest’s headdress worn by Conan the Barbarian, the key (shaped like a golden weenkie) to the tractor beam belonging to Goldmember, and of course on the side of my shed it would be a requirement to have the airlock handle from Aliens.

Heh heh… Bay 12, please.

If anyone at all has the urge to pick that lot up for me, you’re most welcome to do so - I’ll find places to keep most of it, I’m sure.  And that lot’s only estimated to go for a hundred and seventy two grand!  With the change from 1/4 of a million you could probably pick up Christopher Reeve’s Superman costume, and a pair of James Bond cufflinks as a stocking stuffer.

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Dodgy Brothers Used-Car-Cash-Milking-Sophistry Emporium

July 29th, 2008 by jasonbstanding
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Being a reasonably ethical chap I suppose I am continually flabbergasted at some of the activities my fellow human beings will undertake in order to get ahead in life.  In a system where there’s a finite amount of resources, given that human wants are unlimited, it strikes me that unless there’s a social movement towards central equitable resource distribution then eventually some of the people are going to end up with all of the resources, and the rest without resources.  This is very much how the world works, and it is fascinating to see the mechanisms & techniques people employ in the pursuit of more crumbs of the pie.

The thing which has caused my gast to be flabbered on this particular occasion is a website which my boss Paul somehow got in touch with during the course of trying to sell his car.  My understanding of events was that he listed the car in the motor trader magazine, and was contacted shortly afterwards by a representative from this website.

The premise is that they offer a service where they have a list of buyers who have expressed interest in a car of the type you’re selling and if you sign up they find a match with these buyers.  Your listing will remain on their register until the vehicle sells (as opposed to regular classified ads where you pay per appearance of a listing).  The service is just shy of £100, and if you’re selling a car for £2000 or more it probably doesn’t sound a huge expense to expedite the selling of your vehicle.

The bit which tugs the danger-will-robinson-chain is a little tricky to find - at the very bottom of the T&Cs in fact:

They have defined the terms of their engagement such that if a person expresses an interest in purchasing a vehicle of the type you have, or a similar type, then they have fulfilled the obligation.  One wonders what the exact definition of “expresses an interest” covers, although it sounds like what they mean is if you list a Ford Escort for sale, and someone searches their database for all the Ford listings they have, then that probably means they’ve expressed an interest in a vehicle of similar type.  Helpfully, the definition doesn’t refer to the location of the buyer: Paul got an email from a guy purportedly in Nebraska asking him to calculate shipping costs and sending him a bill for the total amount - seems a little far fetched to believe that a serious buyer would ship a car from London to the US based on a brief text description and no photo, however under the terms of the agreement it’s certainly a match.

On first glance one could be forgiven for thinking that the company does all sorts of work marketing and trying to find interested buyers for the kind of car you’re listing.  On immediate thought about it however it becomes quite clear that the “marketing” which takes place is that they place your listing in their database, which is then retrieved should someone come to the site and search for it.  Given that Paul was contacted upon listing his car in the auto trader (a print & web company with an enormous readership and household name status) it seems fairly apparent that a potential buyer is far more likely to find his car through the auto trader than through this other site.

If you pay your money and then get wind of the fact the site’s shonky, well no need to worry about that - the T&Cs cover that as well:

So, you’ve got no right to a refund if you find out we’re dodgy or suddenly figure out how this scam works - and any right you would have had you now don’t have because we’ve specifically referred to it as a term of your agreeing to use our service.

I suppose my point is I just think it sucks that someone can set up an arrangement which is a dodgy scam to take money off people who misunderstand the specifics of what they’re getting into, largely by way of the definitions they come up with for the terms.

Then again I don’t suppose that’s any different to how any other business anywhere operates, come to think of it.  If only I’d thought this through before blogging about it with such incredulousness.  Oh well.

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Marinade (not for the squeamish)

July 28th, 2008 by jasonbstanding
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For reasons just beyond my understanding the room cleaners in my Paris hotel yesterday made off with the remaining pair of fresh boxer shorts I had for the weekend.  Of course I didn’t notice this until 5:50 this morning when I was looking for them in preparation for my shower and subsequent sprint to Gare du Nord.

The result of this is that I had the choice of either going commando, or re-using Sunday’s pair (turned inside out, naturally).  To give you an idea of how attractive the latter would be, Richie & I spent pretty much all day yesterday wandering about the Tour de France track in 30 degree heat, and selected periods in the sweaty morass of a summer’s day on the Metro.  So yeah, we’re talking moisture, but nothing an overnight stay pegged to a hotel room balcony couldn’t minimise.

Neither was particularly appealing as far as options go, and I guess you’ll be relieved to read (at least as far as mental imagery goes, unless the damage is already done) that I plumped for option B.

The quandry one now finds oneself in is whether or not it’s worth popping to Marks & Sparks near work to purchase a fresh pair of shreddies or not.  I mean, clean durps is obviously the most desireable outcome, however it’s midday now, which means I’ve had these skanky ones on for 6 hours now.  Surely there’s not going to be much benefit in calling subs in at this stage of the game, is there?

Compounding the problem is that I’ve nowehere to put the tarnished set should I change into pristine shorts - the backpack I took away for the weekend is quite compact, and is currently filled to capacity (with sweaty clothes from the weekend).  There’s not room in there for an extra set of Reg Grundies, so unless I procure a shopping bag from somewhere (increasingly hard to do) I’ll have to be carrying them around on the end of a biro - at least this should guarantee me safe passage through the peak hour underground crowds.

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Err, I must be drunk? It says here that I am. Says you are too.

July 24th, 2008 by jasonbstanding
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As reported in The Sunday Telegraph (admittedly it was a fortnight ago, but blog posts don’t just fall out of the sky you know) the New South Wales Office of Liquor and Gaming has drawn up some new intoxication guidelines.  I suspect “guidelines” is probably the wrong word to be using in this instance…  maybe “performance targets”?

The idea is that barpersons use this list to figure out whether you’re drunk or not, and can then assess whether to stop serving you (not sure what the rules here in the UK are, but in Australia pubs and bar staff can get fined massive amounts for serving alcohol to people who are already langered, on the basis that they could then go out and do something stupid like hurt themselves and it would be the fault of the person who sold them the booze in the first place).

Without reprinting the entire list, I’m a little concerned that were this framework to have been in place 15 years ago I might never have been able to enjoy the cultural enrichment connected with the social fixture of going to the pub!  Apparently giveaway signs of intoxication are:

2. Rambling or unintelligible conversation
3. Incoherent or muddled speech
4. Loss of train of thought
6. Difficulty in paying attention
14. Lack of co-ordination
24. Argumentative
25. Offensive
28. Loud or boisterous
29. Confused
31. Exuberance
32. Using offensive language
33. Annoying or pestering others
34. Overly friendly
37. Drowsiness or sleeping at a bar or table

That pretty much describes most of the people I know, most of the time.
Additionally, they seem to be confusing being drunk with being a foreign tourist:

18. Difficulty counting money or paying

These ones could be symptomatic of being aboard a boat:

7. Unsteady on feet
8. Swaying uncontrollably
9. Staggering
10. Difficulting walking straight
12. Stumbling
13. Bumping into or knocking over furniture and people

And certainly at http://thesussex.com.au/sussex.php The Sussex on a monday night this one was rife:

19. Difficulty opening doors

however that happened before anyone had even started drinking, and was primarily due to the bastard owner putting a pull handle on a push door.

According to the article:

The department said the guidelines were drafted to help bar staff form a reasonable belief that a person is intoxicated. However, it warned that the list was neither exhaustive nor conclusive.

God I hate that expression - reasonable belief.

“Your honour, I had a reasonable belief that the gentleman was intoxicated, as he displayed several of the symptoms outlined in the intoxication guidelines… and I’d sold him 15 Beam & Cokes in the last half hour”.

“Did you actually see the gentleman consume the Beam & Cokes?”

“No m’lud”

“Your honour the defense evidence shows that the Beam & Cokes were purchased by the gentleman for distribution among a party of slappers with whom he was trying to cop off, and he himself does not drink.  In fact the reason the man was speaking unintelligibly, losing his train of thought, fumbling his change and swaying uncontrollably was that he had 14 live rats in his underpants, for the purposes of treating a specific medical condition.  He wishes to pursue damages for your libellous claim against his good character that he was in any way inappropriately intoxicated.”

“But the guidelines said…”

“Interjection - we at the department clearly stated that the list of intoxication guidelines was neither exhaustive nor conclusive, and any judgement of intoxication was purely the responsibility of the person serving the drinks”

“Right, I find in favour of the gentleman - the accused will pay sixty thousand quid in costs & damages, deliver an apology including the words ‘deeply sorry’, and get a big hard smack on the pee-pee.  Court is adjourned.”

“Brilliant!  Drinks are on me, everyone!”

If you were going to stop serving booze to people on the grounds that they were intoxicated wouldn’t it make more sense to measure that somehow, like making them blow in a breathalyzer and not serving them til you get a green light?  Of course it would.  Only once the green light had been given could the person then proceed to buying the 15 Jim Beam & Cokes.  It’s the sensible solution.  Either that, or a system of putting warning labels on bottles.

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Rrrrrock et rrroll!

July 21st, 2008 by jasonbstanding
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It’s not as often as I’d like that I get the chance to do a random quick dash out to Europe based on a wafer-thin premise, however Big Pete’s insistence that we go to an Iron Maiden gig provided just that impetus! Admittedly we could have gone to Twickenham, but they only had shite seats left and it takes about the same time to get from Camden to Twickenham as it does to get to Paris, so the decision was practically made for us!

The whole getting up (extremely) early to get our train thing sucked a bit, as did the fact that I couldn’t get a marmite & cheese crepe at Crepe Affaire due to them being out of marmite. As a substitute Pete ordered me a Brazilian (ham, cheese, pineapple - not sure how that conjures up memories of Rio, but hey), and if nothing else I’ll always have the memory of the look on her face for that fleeting instant before she remembered a Brazilian was a flavour of crepe.

I’m torn on the Eurostar beer issue whether they simply dont stock enough, or whether I drink too much - as once again we drank the Eurostar out of beer.

After I’d pushed my conversational French to its very limits to facilitate checkin (”un chambre s’il vous plait - nous avons un reservation pour ce soir”) we legged it off to or first point of sightseeing interest - Pere Lachaise cemetery.

I’m not really into graveyard tourism in a big way, but Pete wanted to see the last & final resting place of Jim Morrison, and it seemed too nice-a day to be cooped up indoors, so off we set! It wasn’t so hard to find, and clearly it’s a big tourist attraction as there was a girl handing out maps standing outside the gate. Presumably it’s better to show people where to go than to leave them searching all over the place and possibly leaving markers for other pilgrims to follow. As it turned out we could have done without the map, and just followed the other people.

People are a bit funny, and different people seem to find certain behaviour appropriate for registering their enthusiasm for the works and significance of another.  I tend to work more through the medium of procuring t-shirts with the individuals’ likeness or name emblazoned on them, and other people - so it seems - think it a more personal connection with their idols to jump the security fence around their tomb and graffiti their name and a message upon it.  It didn’t seem the best or most properly thought out plan, to be honest - if it had been me I’d have stationed a lookout or two - and within next to no time the guy had been collared and frogmarched away, protesting loudly and enthusiastically in whatever language he was speaking.

Yooooooooooooooou\'re BUSTED!

Next port of call was Notre Dame Cathedral, which I’d visited before back in 2004 however didn’t actually go inside (favouring instead for some reason to sleep on a bench outside and read my book… righto).  Ever have one of those moments where you discover what would have happened if you’d made a different decision at some point in your life and once you see what you could have had feel like kicking yourself repeatedly in the arse?  Yeah, well, that.  Dawkins was absolutely right in that you don’t get this kind of architecture in the name of atheism - wow.  An awesome building, in the sense that it inspires awe to be inside.

Whooooooa!

Being a nice sunny day we thought the next thing to do would be to wander around an air-conditioned art gallery for a bit, and after hiking across to The Louvre we discovered an important fact: The Louvre is closed on Tuesdays.  As a substitute we walked up towards the Champs Elysees (which I thought I’d show Pete, and once we arrived at the start of it we discovered another important fact: my memory sucks, and it’s a lot further away than I think it is), and then got the Metro out to the Arc de Triomphe.  Unsurprisingly, we couldn’t get near that either, as there was some kind of European ceremony going on and the whole area was blocked off.  Beer o’clock.

What do ya reckon they sell here?

There was still a couple of hours to kill until the gig and we were getting a bit peckish, so we couldn’t see any reason not to head across to Pigalle for a bite.  Once again my recollection of Parisian layout was faulty, as there were fewer places to get food and far far more porno stores than I recalled.  We ended up settling for an over the top looking American burger joint type of place opposite the Moulin Rouge, and it was only as our meals were arriving that we spotted a warning that a previous punter had felt so strongly about giving that he’d carved it into the tabletop with a knife.  And he was absolutely right, too.

Get out while you can

By now the pair of us were absolutely shattered, and it seemed silly to have to go and battle through a heavy metal gig… but that was why we were there, so off we went.  It’s more or less a compulsory dress code at this thing that you wear a black band t-shirt, and in the absence of any others in my wardrobe I’d plumped for my faithful Spinal Tap shirt.  In the queue to get into the venue this proved to be a source of amusement for 2 French metalheads - one waved at me and said “Speenal Tarp!”, and I nodded, unsure of how best to respond.  His mate made rock-horns with his fingers and let loose with a very Gallic sounding cry of “HRrrrrock and hrrroll!”.  Hilarious.

Say what you like about Iron Maiden, but you can’t deny that they put on a hell of a stage show.  The next 2 hours were a masterclass in hard rock excess, and to their credit the energy level of the band (and therefore, the crowd) was electric throughout.  Plenty of costume changes, plenty of amazing huge set changes and effects (including a massive animatronic mummy, which conjured up Spinal Tap-like mental images for me - then again, this sort of thing was what Spinal Tap was based on, so it’s probably wrong for me to describe it as Tap-esque), loads of fire effects and loads of bombastic guitar driven power.  Far and away the number which grabbed me the most was the epic 13 minute “The Rime Of The Ancient Mariner”.  From the minute the gig started to when the lights came up the front half of the floor level was a thrashing writhing morass of testosterone & violence, and I wondered as we all poured out of the doors at the end how in the hell they were ever going to shift that distinct smell from the venue.

Iron Maiden? EXCELLENT!

That’s all there is to say really - the only other memorable thing was when a tramp came up & tried to bum a cigarette off Pete as we were reclining with a post-gig beer in the summer evening air at Gare de l’Est.  Pete had taken to smoking Gitanes for the afternoon, and evidently this wasn’t to the fellow’s liking… “Cigarette monsieur?  Oh… gitanes…  merde…  non monsieur, merci”.

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World exclusive!

July 17th, 2008 by jasonbstanding
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This morning whilst preparing to go to work (obviously, about 30 minutes later than I should have been) there was a knock at the door.  I bounded up the stairs, muttering swearwords about who would be disturbing my preparations, and was greeted upon opening the door by none other than a Royal Mail delivery man.  He was holding a parcel with my name emblazoned across the front, and requesting a signature.

That’s right readers… A PARCEL WAS DELIEVERED IN LONDON, AND SOMEONE WAS ACTUALLY AT HOME TO RECEIVE IT!

I’m so overcome with excitement that I’m having trouble thinking of a suitable way of celebrating this once-in-a-lifetime occasion.

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