Oh boy, I've just been up to Burnside Village, and let me say, driving around in that carpark really brings out the best in people. I know it certainly got me nice & angry, which hopefully translates into a more entertaining read for you, my devoted reader.

Far be it for me to make sweeping generalisations, but OH MY GOD !? None of those people can take a corner properly to save their goddamn LIVES !? Everyone's bustling about in their shiny cars which are worth as much as some peoples' entire HOUSES, and they've all got power steering, but oh no – it's FAR more practical to swing about 1.5 carlengths out into the middle of the road before turning. Wouldn't want to scuff our imported sealskin tyres on a cheap nasty bit of cement.

And then there's those WINNERS who decide to park where they damn well like. I can accept that a shopping centre (sorry, Burnside is a 'Precinct', isn't it, not a 'centre') carpark is a busy place, and it can be partially irritating to have to be patient with the needs of others… but goddamn, civility and courtesy *must* remain, otherwise we head down The Dark Path.

Specifically, some guy was obviously sick of driving around, so he just pulled over next to a cement wall in the underground section, reducing a 2-way section to 1.3 lanes. His rationale ? Well, it didn't say NO PARKING, did it ? Congratulations dickwit – you've just improved the mood of a dozen more people by expressing your irritation. Then there's the old favourite of 2 people waiting for a park, each pretending they haven't seen the other… but the awarding of the space is decided by the vacator, and which way they choose to reverse out.

Did I mention that about 40% of the drivers up there are also ELDERLY ? The old lady across the road from my parents recognised that her driving skills had eroded over the years, and thus caught the bus everywhere. There should be more of it !

I recognise that I get just as shirty as anyone else whilst playing The Parking Game, however I also realise that the Law of Averages says that if you drive around calmly, eventually you'll happen across a park !

Doesn't matter. Anyway, I got a pleasant surprise when a lady in a white Toyota Prado (in Burnside !? Imagine that !) rolled her window down and told me where she'd just pulled out from. I'll have to take back all those things I said about “Toorak Gardens Tractor Drivers”.

My faith in motorists was shattered again of course, because as I reversed out, a complete prick in a black SAAB spotted my reversing lights, and speared dangerously across a wide-turning deadlock between two BMW's, and territorially staked out my approach area.

And another thing… why is it that we can travel into space, and clone sheep, and yet we STILL can't come up with glue on the back of stamps that doesn't taste like shit ?