At this juncture I'm counting on that being an accurate translation of “Merry Christmas” – Google Language Tools doesn't often lark about with that kind of thing, so I'm reasonably certain they haven't given me the phrase for “I can tell you're into amateur animal husbandry”. To tell you the truth the only chance I had to use the phrase I couldn't remember the German, and presumably if I had then I should have also known the German for “Aaaaaaargh! Get out of the way!” (The circumstances being a particularly spectacular chairlift dismount, where I got cut off by some out of control n00b snowboarders, and when I veered off to the left a skier cut me off as well resulting in me crossing the back of her left ski, falling over whilst pivoting inwards and my snowboard going between her skis whilst I lay on my back across both of her skis and my snowboard – as she turned and glared at me I gave her a big cheerful smile and settled for “Merry Christmas!”).

They say “no pain, no gain”. Based on what I'm currently experiencing when I return to London I should be the CEO of a multimillion dollar company, own 18 BMWs, have a 5 storey house in Notting Hill, and have pectorals like Arnold Schwarzenegger's arse cheeks.

At least I didn't sprain my wrist like Rachel did…