“The Thames smells bad and has at least half a dozen corpses in it on any given day. The one time it got a bit of nature in it – I refer to the national hysteria that was the Wally The Whale saga – the fucking thing died. It was overwhelmed. “This isn’t water,” it thought, dodging another needle in the muddy sludge, “I’ve swum up Pete Doherty’s arsehole.” It only suffocated because it was terrified of breathing in.”

Sabotage Times: The South Londoners’ Guide To North London